The Squirrel Wonder
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: Even Jason knows that he had it coming, but that doesn't make him any happier about being transformed into a woodland creature.


Jason is out on patrol with Red Robin, tracking down a wizard who has been wreaking havoc on the city lately. It's mostly been annoying little pranks that have been more irritating than life threatening, which is probably why Jason doesn't think twice about mouthing off to the guy, who clearly has a weird fascination with woodland animals. In truth, even Jason knows he had it coming…not that he has any intention of saying that out loud. He glances up at Tim from his suddenly very low perspective, and tries to grumble out of infuriation. However, the only sound that passes through his lips is a very high-pitched chattering sound, which only makes Jason even more sullen.

Tim stares down at him wide-eyed. "You just had to mouth off, didn't you?" He sighs in a very put-upon manor, as though he's the one who has suddenly been transformed into a small rodent. "Well, come on, let's get you back home."

Before Jason can do much more than swish his new, red, furry tail, Tim grabs him and slips him into the pocket of Jason's leather jacket. Jason peers out of the pocket long enough to see Tim gather up the rest of his Red Hood outfit, and turn to jump off the roof. Jason is willing to admit that he clings to the inside of the pocket as much as he possibly can. After all, he has no idea how likely it is a squirrel can survive a fall from this height, but he's going to bet it's not much better than a human's.

When they get to the cave, Jason doesn't climb out of his jacket pocket until Tim sets said jacket down onto the floor, and even then Jason takes his time emerging from his relatively safe place. Tim is already changed into sweats and a t-shirt by the time Jason slides out of the pocket, and he immediately scurries across the floor and up onto the back of Bruce's chair, because the floor is damn cold on his little paws. He can hear Tim laughing at him, but Jason doesn't care. Instead he busies himself with rubbing his front two paws together trying to warm them. Tim moves to sit in the chair, moving it steadily enough that he barely disturbs Jason at all. "Maybe we should get Alfred to make you some little mittens. I'm sure he could figure something out."

Jason chatters at him and gives Tim the grumpiest expression he can, but he doubts it translates well on his new rodent face. Tim merely ignores him in favor of writing his report of the evening's events. Jason is reading over his shoulder, with nothing else to do, but that quickly grows boring, especially given how technical the kid's reports are. Hell, he's not even bothering to mention how irritated he was while he was tracking down that stupid wizard before Jason got transformed into a squirrel. Jason hops down off of the chair, and shudders once at the cold of the cave floor under his feet. Maybe he should take Tim up on his offer to get him some kind of mittens. Jason is considering climbing up onto the desk to type that to Tim when he smells something strange.

His new senses are kind of annoyingly strong and the new scent is driving him crazy. It's making all of his fur stick straight up, and he doesn't even know why. At least, that is until he hears the sound of nails scraping against the ground and Titus comes bounding into the cave. The scent of the dog is even stronger now and makes Jason bare his little fangs. Titus runs up to Jason, sniffs him once, and then barks loudly before wagging his tail in a way that Jason knows means something bad is going to happen. He doesn't get time to ponder what before Titus leaps at him and Jason takes off running. He's always liked dogs and thought the bigger the better. Now, Jason's regretting that mentality quite a bit, especially given how fast his little heart is beating.

Titus chases him around the entire cave twice, and they're doing circles around the pommel horse before Jason makes a break for Bruce's chair. He doesn't think twice about what he's doing before he dashes up Tim's leg and into his lap, breathing heavily. Tim glances down at him, clearly startled. "Jason, what are you…"

Tim doesn't get to finish his sentence before Jason suddenly leaps up onto the back of the chair right before Titus jumps into Tim's lap, knocking the chair over. Tim might be yelling at Titus, but Jason can't hear anything over the sound of the blood rushing in his ears. He scampers up onto the desk, and perches on the monitor, trying to stay out of Titus's reach. The dog has his front paws on the desk and is desperately trying to get at Jason, barking the whole time.

Tim gets to his feet and tries to pull Titus away by his collar, but the dog is strong and is far too interested in the squirrel in the cave to be deterred by Tim. Jason is still panting and trying to get enough air into his new tiny lungs when Alfred makes his way down the stairs. He calls Titus over to him, and the dog whines, but immediately goes to the man. It's good to know that Alfred's authority reigns supreme even in the animal world.

"Master Timothy, may I inquire as to what in the world is going on down here?"

Tim stands up straighter under Alfred's scrutiny. "Um, long story short, Jason got turned into a red squirrel and Titus seems to want to eat him."

Alfred doesn't even seem fazed by the explanation, but Jason guesses by now the man is used to things like this happening. "Ah, I see. I apologize, Master Jason. I have been teaching Titus to keep the vermin out of the manor and cave. He was merely trying to do his job." Alfred pats Titus on the head once. "I will take the young master's pet upstairs, make something more suited to your current taste for your late night snack, and retrieve the litter box for you, sir."

Jason cringes at the idea of having to use a litter box, but he guesses it's really the only solution until he can be returned to his proper state. He's still clinging to the top of the monitor well after Alfred leaves, and Tim keeps complaining at him to move his tail. Jason has been swiping it back and forth over the screen just to annoy the kid for the last five minutes, but by the tenth time Tim that has to yell at him the kid just gets fed up and picks Jason up. He claws at Tim's hand wrapped around his middle and manages to get in a few good scratches before going for a bite, but stops when Tim sets him down in his lap. Jason chatters at him once more, still irritated that that's the most noise he can make, but decides to lie down and curl up just in case the dog comes back.

Jason doesn't think Tim is consciously aware of it when he starts petting Jason's head while he's scrolling through a couple of different files, and honestly Jason is too tired to care. The adrenaline from his encounter with Titus is wearing off and Jason finds himself closing his eyes, despite not wanting to. He isn't even aware that he's fallen asleep until a loud screech awakes him. Jason tries to huddle down and cover his overly sensitive ears to protect them, but his new squirrel limbs aren't very good for that. He chatters gruffly, but he's sure the sound is drowned out by the slam of the Batmobile's car doors. It looks like Bruce and Damian are finally back. Jason doesn't look forward to dealing with either of them, but that's nothing in comparison to dealing with the person who ends up spinning the computer chair around to chastise Tim for still being awake.

"Timmy, you know you should be in bed. It's late, and…" Dick trails off for a moment as his eyes zero in on Jason. "Why is there a squirrel in your lap, and why is it glaring at me like that?"

Tim sighs in a way that screams exhaustion and exasperation, and Jason really doesn't feel like that's fair, especially considering he's the one that's a fucking woodland creature. "Dick, say hi to Jason. He mouthed off to that wizard we were tracking down earlier tonight."

Dick makes this noise that causes Jason's fur to stand on end once again before quickly snatching him out of Tim's lap. "Oh, Jaybird, you're adorable." He spins around suddenly while clutching Jason in a hug that Jason is honestly starting to think is going to kill him. "Aw, Dami, look at how cute Jay is, isn't he just the sweetest thing you've ever seen?"

Damian stares at Dick blankly. "No." He turns to face Bruce instead of listening to Dick faun over Jason. "Father, perhaps you should stop Grayson from crushing Todd to death." Damian doesn't say another word before heading towards the showers.

Tim carefully pries Jason out of Dick's arms, for which Jason is eternally grateful. After all, it was getting hard to breath. "You should also keep Jason away from Titus. He tried to eat him earlier."

Dick is making grabby motions toward Tim and gesturing for him to give Jason back. "Titus tried to eat Jason? Why would he do that? Jason is so adorable."

Tim ignores Dick's lunges for Jason as he places him down on the desk out of Dick's reach. "He's a dog, Dick. I doubt that he knows that it's Jason, and, even if he did, it's kind of a dog's nature to attack squirrels."

"It's okay. I'll protect you, Jason!" Dick declares as he tries to gather Jason into his arms once again.

Tim rolls his eyes and glances over to Bruce. "You might want to keep him away from Dick as well." Bruce nods once, clearly already formulating plans, which seems to be good enough for Tim, who doesn't say another word before heading for the stairs. Jason springs off of the desk, latches onto Tim's shoelace, and bolts up Tim's pant leg before he can leave him unattended with Dick. Tim shakes his leg trying to dislodge Jason, who has climbed into his sock for extra security. Tim heaves a great sigh. "Fine, you can stay."

Jason curls around Tim's ankle securely as they make their way up the stairs. He knows who the sanest people are in this house, and at least Jason doesn't have to worry about Tim smothering him to death with cuddles. Once they're in Tim's room, Tim opens his top dresser drawer, makes a little makeshift nest out of his socks for Jason to sleep in, and then gently places Jason down before shutting off the light and getting into bed. Jason is asleep before Tim's head hits the pillow.

The next morning Jason awakes to an empty room, and he worries that he's going to have to find a creative way to open the door or something for a split second before he notices that Tim was smart enough to leave the door open enough for him to slip out into the hallway. Jason's not sure where Titus is, but he's hungry, so he ventures into the hallway and to the top of the stairs, where it becomes evident that the only way down for him is to do something Alfred has always forbidden all of them from doing. Jason doesn't know if squirrels can smile, but he sure as hell wants to as he claws his way up onto the top of the banister and then proceeds to slide down it. He vaults down to the floor before he reaches the bottom landing and lands on all four paws before sprinting into the kitchen.

Jason ends up sliding on the wood floor slightly and nearly knocking into one of the legs of the table, but manages to stop himself before any real damage can be done. Alfred glances down at him as he calmly makes his way over toward the man's leg. Jason eyes the length from Alfred's foot to his shoulder, considers how much trouble he could possibly get into for climbing the man, and decides that it's definitely worth it. Alfred, for his part, takes Jason's new behavior in stride just like everything else, and doesn't so much as pause in what he's doing. "Good morning, Master Jason. I have some hazelnuts prepared for you." He gestures to a small bowl sitting on the counter beside him.

Jason scurries down Alfred's arm and heads straight for the bowl. He wishes he could tell Alfred how amazing the hazelnuts taste, but as it is the man will just have to accept the empty bowl as praise. Jason makes his way back up onto Alfred's shoulder and watches silently as he finishes making everyone else's breakfast. It's quiet and pleasant. At least, that is, until Titus comes bounding into the kitchen with a groggy Damian in tow.

Titus instantly spots Jason on Alfred's shoulder, and looks as though he's honestly going to jump on the man to get at Jason, which Jason thinks is just silly. He can't fathom that anyone would be stupid enough to go after Alfred, even if Titus is just a dog. However, as Jason watches the dog's tail wag in that ominous sort of way, it becomes apparent that Titus isn't worried about his own self-preservation, and before Jason can preempt the strike Titus barks once and jumps up onto Alfred. The man has to brace himself against the counter so he doesn't fall and Jason takes the opportunity to leap off of Alfred and make a run for it.

Jason can hear Damian shouting at his dog, but it seems to be to no avail because Jason is three rooms away and the dog is still chasing after him full force. He's climbing up and over priceless artifacts that Jason, quite frankly, couldn't care less about, and thus feels no sorrow over using them as collateral. If Bruce didn't want his precious valuables broken, then he would be down here trying to contain Titus. Jason makes it into the den and tries to gain some higher ground.

He curses Bruce for getting Damian a Great Dane, because there aren't many places the giant animal can't reach. Jason scampers up the curtain, hoping that Alfred won't be too upset with the little tears he leaves as he makes his way to the top. Titus is sitting below him barking. After a few moments, Damian enters the room and grabs Titus's collar trying to drag him away. "While I can agree with your attack on Todd, jumping on Pennyworth wasn't wise. Come, I must take you outside now."

Damian manages to pull the giant beast away and it isn't too long before Alfred comes into the room and tries to coax Jason down. "Master Jason, I must insist that you get down from there."

Jason doesn't know how to convey that he's kind of stuck. He wasn't thinking when he climbed up here. It was just instinct to find the highest place in the room, and now he doesn't actually have a way of getting down from his perch without falling. He tries a few different methods, but he can't get a good grip on the curtain again without nearly tipping over. It's actually Dick who comes in, sees the current predicament, and gets a chair to get Jason down. Whether that's to actually help Jason out or just so he can force Jason into more cuddles is up for debate.

Jason grumbles to himself and waits impatiently for someone to come save him from Dick's unbearable hugs. He's honestly starting to wonder where the replacement is when Bruce wanders into the room and suggests that Dick should let Jason breathe. The moment Dick's grip relaxes; Jason makes a break for it. He curls up in Tim's closet, sure that no one will look for him there, when, a few hours after his second round with Titus, someone opens the door and pulls down the sweater he was currently using as a bed.

Jason lands on Tim's head and chatters at him as angrily as he can. Tim picks him up, and stares at him like he's a foreign object. "Sorry, Jay, but I didn't know you were there." He goes over and places Jason back into the drawer he was sleeping in the night before, and then lays down on his bed with a book. Jason rolls his eyes and curls up again to sleep.

He has no idea how long it is between when he fell asleep and when Dick barges into Tim's room, bouncing on the balls of his feet, but Jason isn't happy about it in the least. "Timmy, have you seen Jason? I got him something."

Tim places his finger between the pages of his book to keep his place before sitting up. "What did you get him?" Dick holds something out in front of him that Jason can't see from his vantage point in Tim's sock drawer, but whatever it is it makes Tim bark out a laugh. "Oh man, he's in my sock drawer."

Dick beams as he turns toward Jason's not-so-secret hiding place and snatches Jason up before he gets a chance to run away. "Oh, Jaybird, you're going to love this."

Jason doubts that…he doubts that very much, especially when Dick suddenly wrestles him into some kind of sweater. Jason kicks, bites, and scratches, but ultimately Dick wins. He holds Jason up underneath his arms and shows him off to Tim, who snorts out a laugh. "You have to hold him up in front of the mirror."

"Oh, great idea, Timmy." Dick holds Jason up in front of the full length mirror on the back of Tim's closet door, and the smile on the man's face looks so damn bright that Jason just wants to punch him. However, the sweater is what really draws Jason's eye and it makes him want to break the damn mirror into a thousand pieces. It's a burgundy color that has the words 'Bat Squirrel' printed in the middle of the chest in black lettering. He's glaring as much as possible, but it doesn't seem to be fazing Dick one little bit. "Isn't it great, Jason? The color really goes well with your fur."

Jason gazes over at Tim pleadingly, but the boy is still laughing at him. "Hey, Dick, maybe you should go show off The Squirrel Wonder to Bruce and Damian."

Dick laughs as he turns to leave the room. "The Squirrel Wonder. Oh, Timmy, that's perfect!" Jason swears that he's going to bite off all of Dick's toes, as for Tim, the little traitor…well, he hasn't exactly decided yet, but he promises himself the payback is going to be substantial.

After showing off his damn sweater to everyone in the house - including Titus, who snapped at Jason with the biggest teeth Jason has ever seen - Dick decides to take Jason back to his room where, after hours of suffering Dick holding him and carrying him around, Jason has the displeasure of dealing with Dick holding him up by his little arms and forcing him to dance. There is absolutely nothing in the world that can be worse than this. Jason is sure of it. He's already been forced to do the motions of the Macarena and the YMCA, and now Dick is forcing him to dance along with Puttin' on the Ritz. He really doesn't have much dignity left, which is why he feels no shame in giving Tim the saddest and most pathetic pleading look an animal could possibly give when the kid waltzes into the room.

He's not sure if it's getting across or not, but Jason is definitely giving Tim the squirrel expression equivalent of 'help me and all of my worldly possessions are yours'. The kid laughs, but the look must be working because he comes over and grabs Jason out of Dick's hands. "Um, Alfred wanted your help with something, Dick. I'll watch Jason while you're gone."

Dick looks truly dismayed with having to leave Jason, but he dutifully rolls to his feet and leaves without too much protest. Once Dick is out of the room, Tim's attention turns to Jason, who is now curled up in his arms, far too tired to move. "You owe me for that, just so you know. Do you think you can stay out of trouble while I get some work done?" Jason nods and climbs his way up to Tim's shoulder. "Yeah, right, like I believe the innocent act." Jason doesn't care what Tim believes as long as it gets him away from Dick for a few hours.

True to his word, Jason mostly stays out of trouble while Tim works. However, it's literally been hours and the kid hasn't taken a single break. He's starting to see why Dick complains all of the time that the kid works too hard. Jason is on the floor playing with Tim's shoelace while Tim is typing away feverishly. The noise is irritating Jason, and has been for awhile. He figures it's been quite long enough and it's time to start trying to drag baby-bird away from the damn computer. Jason starts small. At first, he just bats at Tim's foot, then he starts pulling Tim's shoelace, and then he climbs onto Tim's foot. When that doesn't get even the tiniest reaction, Jason makes his way up the side of the desk, and plops himself on top of the keyboard.

Tim glares at him for a long moment. "What do you want, Jason? You promised that you'd let me work."

Jason slowly taps on the keys writing out, 'I let you work. Now I'm hungry and bored.'

"Then go see Alfred. I'm sure he has more hazelnuts for you."

Jason doesn't question how Tim knew that Alfred was feeding him hazelnuts. The kid is just like that. Instead, he taps on the keyboard again, 'Working too hard. Come with me."

Tim rolls his eyes, but agrees. He quickly erases what Jason wrote into whatever he was working on, and then saves his progress before gathering Jason up into his arms and taking him upstairs. Tim leaves Jason with Alfred, but only after Alfred forces the kid to eat something, so Jason considers it a win.

Dick is mysteriously missing for a few hours, but Jason can't find it in himself to care, especially when he hasn't had to deal with Dick's incessant talking and crushing him to his chest in awhile. However, Jason should know something is up, especially when he ventures down to the cave to bother Tim, only to find he isn't there; and once Jason makes his way back to Tim's room - only to find it empty - he realizes he should be more worried than he is. As it stands, however, all Jason does is curl up on Tim's pillow and try to transfer as much of his red fur onto Tim's pristinely clean sheets as possible.

It's been another couple of hours when he hears two distinctive voices coming from the hallway. They both sound immensely pleased with themselves, which puts Jason on edge. He gets to his feet and glares as the door slowly opens. Tim walks through the door first with a small smile on his face and Dick follows him in with the biggest grin that Jason's ever seen. Dick is holding something behind his back and Jason just knows it's going to turn out to be something awful. Before he can make an escape, however, Tim grabs Jason and pets his head as he holds Jason, who is still wearing his Bat Squirrel sweater, in his arms. "Since we can't seem to keep Titus away from you, Bruce had an idea on how to keep you safe, and of course we both had to add our own little touches to it."

Jason's not really sure what that means, but he's certain that it can't be a good thing. After all, anything that has to do with Bruce and Jason's safety usually doesn't end well. Dick is still beaming at him with that ridiculous grin when he shows Jason what's behind his back. Jason immediately starts chattering furiously when he sees the damn thing. He absolutely refuses to be placed in a hamster ball. Jason is protesting as much as a squirrel can as Tim places him inside the damn thing, and Jason can't believe they actually put a bat symbol on the side of it. This is just ridiculous. He glares at both of them and sulks as they place it on the floor. If they think he's going to run around in this plastic monstrosity, they've got another thing coming.

Dick's gaze slides over to Tim's for a moment. "I don't think he likes it very much."

Tim merely shrugs. "It's Jason. He doesn't like much, but he'll get used to it." With that Tim gives the hamster ball a little kick with his foot and it starts rolling from the momentum. After the hamster ball makes one full turn there's a little click and music starts playing. Jason is grinding his teeth as the hamster ball starts playing "na na na na na Bat Squirrel" over and over again with a periodic pause where Dick's voice screams out, "Holy acorns, Batman!" He knows that this was all probably Dick's idea, but he couldn't have pulled it off without Tim's help, and Jason will be getting both of them back the moment he is no longer a squirrel - however long that takes.

The End


End file.
